Self-Compassion

This Medicine Doll sat with me half-finished for almost two years. My original intention was to honor a woman in my life diagnosed with a fatal illness. I wanted to give her an expression of heartfelt compassion, love and empathy for what she was facing. 

Before I could finish, I felt the nudge to take a pause. My instinctual inner voice told me that She would not be received well. I didn’t understand what that meant, but I trusted it. It felt sad to stop working on her and let her sit, unclothed and unadorned, but clearly emoting her energy. Time passed and so did a sister’s life. 

 I was told soon after her passing that I was not welcome to attend my sister’s memorial because I was not liked by the family. I did not know that. I remembered a prior incident of misunderstanding and was led to believe it had been fully resolved through mutual efforts to communicate and heal. It was then that I learned that resentment had been held and used as a target of betrayal. I felt heartbroken as doors and hearts were shut tight against me. These people had been family and suddenly they were not. It was a shock to my entire being and made my sister’s death even more painful.

When that happened to me, my heart turned dark and bitter, and I became triggered with early childhood messages of not belonging. The old book of ‘there’s something wrong with you’ stories flooded my mind with a constant, loud chatter. My body went into pain mode. I shrunk and withdrew myself in sorrow and doubt for a time. 

But you know what? Those projections are not my truth. It took some time to process and then the understanding of Her began to unfold. I knew the doll was meant for Self-compassion. 

How, in the face of betrayal and cruelty, do we continue to love and nurture ourselves? How do we continue to hold on to Self?

I know I can’t please everyone and when people project cruelty, it is usually a reflection on themselves. Yes, it hurts, but it is not Who I Am.

There are people in our lives who will not see you in your truth. It is also common for tribal family units and communities to stick together and push out someone who does not fit in to their ways of belief and behaviors. 

It’s important to remember that and not take it on as yours.

Blessings and Love,

Jerri Lynn Shelton